Dating Tips and Advice

Add a Comment

34 Comments

Comment by Daniel Steck on January 19, 2009 at 3:32pm

Hi Ms. Single Mama. I have two kids (1&3). Im having trouble finding social groups in my area(Toledo,Ohio). I dont want to do the bar scene. ill only find another ex. Do you know how I could find local social groups. perhaps for single parents. I have tryed a book club and and a local indie film club(it was all old people, much to my shock) with no luck. I hope this is a proper question for this blog.

Comment by Lionel on October 24, 2008 at 2:43pm

No dairy before a date...

Comment by Raymond on July 1, 2008 at 2:39am

Wow, I'm sorry, I got sucked into other stuff. Jennifer, Touche, a wonderful retorte. And a little levity amidst the exploration is good. I believe that this kind of interraction amongst the sexes is healthy. But is it valued? I don't know. You know, I'm new to blogging. And I'm a man of letters, as they used to say in the olden days. Letters, meaning carefully crafted words to convey a messages. Today, it's the blog. Jennifer, I will send you an invite to be friends and I will send you my book; a relationship handbook that I wrote when I was much younger but still has, I believe, some validity today and reflects, I think, much of what you responded to in your last post. And I will say that it is nice to know that there are those like you who can be emotionally and intellectually, well, nimble. Raymondo

Comment by Jennifer B on June 22, 2008 at 9:47am

Steph,
That was hilarious. Always fun to lighten things up. Bill I imagine at some point I'll be where you are at. I'd like to have a serious relationship with someone and I would prefer that person to have at least on child so that they get the whole parenting thing. Blending a family is a challenge but it's doable. I have two grown step daughters from my ex and they love being big sisters to thier 1/2 siblings. They also have 3 step siblings on their mom's side. things actually worked amazingly well. We even all went to Hawaii once. Me my husband, his Ex, her husband and all the kids. Everyone got along and the kids loved it!

Comment by Bill Willems on June 21, 2008 at 9:56pm

Heavy stuff here! I dig both Raymond's and Jennifer's perspectives. I'm still lost in that tweener land of thinking it's possible to actually get into a serious relationship with kids on boths sides, move in together, get married again, etc. My ex is snack dab in the middle of it right now, but I have no idea how it happens. Putting houses on the market, searching for a new house that achieves balance between new larger family and both ex's, what schools they'll go to, etc. Damn, I'm getting stressed out just thinking about it. I've had a bad habit of only getting about 2 months into a relationship with someone before the woman ends up wanting far more at the time than I'm willing to give. I've given up on actively dating, but couldn't really explain why to myself. Some of Raymond's comments have helped me put words to things I wasn't understanding or seeing.

Comment by Heather Mac on June 20, 2008 at 8:41pm

Jen, that last post hit the nail on the head for me and many friends i know. "Can I count on your integrity?" That is the most important question I will have for every man I get into a relationship with from now on!

Comment by Jennifer B on June 20, 2008 at 9:26am

As if I haven't rambled enough... here is one more thought. To me the old paradigm goes something like this "You meet my need for love and sex, I'll meet your need for love and financial security." Well now that women can provide financial security for themselves, it has thrown things off a bit. What women want is emotional security, "Can I count on your integrity?" that sort of thing. Yes we do all have more to offer but it doesn't come from material things.

Comment by Jennifer B on June 20, 2008 at 9:16am

Raymond, no need to apologize. A little sparing can be good mental exercise. But as I read over what we wrote I was reminded of the power of words. I think when I started this I was feeling flip and a little cynical. i am going to attempt a different perspective. As human beings we all have needs that are basically the same. We have a need for connection, physical well being, like health, safety, sexual expression, honesty, playfulness, joy, humor, peace, beauty, meaning, contribution, self expression, autonomy and freedom. the way we express or describe these needs may differ (you say cool I say self expression) but they are basically the same. Conflict comes in when we think our needs are more important than others or when we experience fear that another person is crushing a need. Like the person who feeds us with a sense of connection suddenly seems to crush all of our freedom and autonomy. I think healthy relationships are based on valuing someone's needs as much as we value our own. It's easy to do with our children, we reconstruct our lives and do what we can so that we can meet as many of their needs as possible while still meeting our own. But, in adult relationships we tend to approach them on a "can you meet my needs?" kind of level. This is a set up for frustration. There has to be an equal give and take. This is why having shared values is so important. When I was younger I placed very high value on play, humor, sexual expression and freedom I still value those things but now I place stronger value on awareness, integrity, connection, contribution, and having passion in work, love and play. The kind of relationships that I attracted then will be very different from the kind of relationships that I hope to have now. I think the best we can do is develop a keen awareness of what it is that we truly value in our lives and understand how those values affect our lives. At this point we will be better able to meet our own needs and have more ability to meet the needs of others. i hope you don't think I am lecturing. I am really just getting some thoughts out. Any feedback?

Comment by Raymond on June 18, 2008 at 9:22pm

Jennifer, I apologize if I came off too strong. You know, we men are always trying to figure out wass up. The old paradigm is more complex. And perhaps from an empowerment level, it shoud be less complex. Why? Because, intrinsically, emotionally, socially, financially, we all have more to offer today than ever.

I think that the process of elimination is the issue. Sex is very personal. Is it possible to de-personalize sex for women. And why would you want to do that. I don't know. Today, we have to mix chemistry with finance, with looks, with cool, with hip and with sex a appeal. So, you tell me what comes out on the other end.

Strike the terms. Replace casual sex with "give me what I want now." Be confident about what makes you fell good. And take care of yourself and look good because men are motivated by the obvious. Take all of the above and throw it into a stew of satisfaction and happiness, what do you come out with in the end?




Peace out.
rfq

Comment by Jennifer B on June 17, 2008 at 11:29am

To answer your last question, yes it is possible to enjoy intense sex with someone without intense commitment. I have had that experience and in the moment it was fantastic. But eventually I found myself craving more from the relationship, I'm not talking marriage but, ya know, friendship, emotional intimacy, perhaps a little love and spiritual connection. Ultimately the experience left me frustrated to say the least. I don't have any judgement on people who want to experience physical closeness without emotional connection. I get it completely. I realize that generalizations are not very productive, but in my experience most women tend to be more emotional when it comes to sex and most men find it easy to enjoy sex as play and leave the emotion behind. That is why I made my original statement...casual sex is a bad deal for women. Perhaps I should of said, casual sex is a bad deal for me. If a man can rock my world in bed, I tend to want to keep him.:) So for me, I hope to find someone (who I find sexy) who shares my values and seeks and emotional connection, before I end up fruitlessly trying to make a someone fit into my life, that clearly doesn't, simply because I'm a sucker for chemistry.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4