Creative Co-Parenting

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Comment by Honey on September 5, 2009 at 8:02am

My experience with co-parenting has not been a positive one. The father is deeply involved with his own stuff and regularly used me as as the scapegoat. My children are older now and understand what has transpired over the years and things are finally making sense to them. Unfortunately, they were caught in the middle for the longest time but now that they are all almost adults (one is just 17) they realize the predictament that I was in. I hated that they suffered but I couldn't stop them from seeing their dad, I just had to be patient and wait it out. It all comes out in the wash eventually. Hang in there to anyone that is having a hard time with a co-parent. He was pretty harmless and couldn't keep up the jig forever.

Comment by uomeasmile (Kim) on June 9, 2009 at 4:58am

If you are frustrated with your ex, need to vent, or have a question, please feel free to post a discussion!

Comment by Angela McPherson on June 6, 2009 at 9:49pm

I do not believe that in my situation coparenting will be an option. He does not know how to be a father. He knows how to drink and that is it. He has never bathed any of the children, dressed them or anything else. At this point, none of the kids even want to talk to him.

Comment by Shannon Barnes on May 28, 2009 at 11:46pm

I have been coparenting with my youngest child's father for years and although we hit bumps here and there, we keep going and working it out. He has been parenting both of my children as he basically raised my oldest daughter.
My oldest daughter's father however was gone for the first 10 years and reappeared almost 3 years ago. I wasn't ready or willing to enter into a co-parenting relationship with him and then he created situations where I stopped visits altogether. We have been to court and are trying to finalize the visitation agreement, of which he is wanting to co-parent and I am still fighting (right or wrong I just don't feel comfortable with it). I look forward to all the advice to make it through the next several years of this.

Comment by Sharma on May 26, 2009 at 10:38pm

Becky - thanks for your comments. I spent the last year really taking the high road and I finally reached my wits end this last month! I did have a little tantrum! I guess I just feal like my ex thinks that co-parenting means that we talk every once in a while but mostly just trade annoyed/impatient emails. I wish I could take a magic pill and suddenly not let him push my buttons!

Comment by Paul on May 26, 2009 at 6:51am

What Becky said about email\text is my favorite form of communication besides the fact I am a I.T. Professional, I shy away from "conversations" with the ex or anyone that I feel may start an argument or fight. I prefer to make them (and myslef) write down what we want to express, that limits pettiness and off the cuff remarks that are unproductive and snide. I find when emailing people I am aggravated with, I will bang away at the keyboard venting knowing full well I will edit the content and get my point across minus the venom.

In the mist of my separation before the ex went full tilt into her heroin, I would refuse to discuss anything that wasn't written down, she got mad but it was more for the fact that I had a document of things she said and she wasn't able to grab tangents to justify herself. It is a quite effective way to be civil and productive and help keep one from being upset or stressed by the other.

5 years later even the ex sees the benefit when she is sober and rational when we actually talk which is seldom. I still email her and rarely talk on the phone, I just have nothing to say to her and it allows for the distance so emotion doesn't cloud points that need to be made since if I sat with her and talked, I would think how much she hurts the kids daily with her actions and I would get all pissed and angry and it would help nothing. Email and texting are the way to go

Comment by uomeasmile (Kim) on May 25, 2009 at 4:06pm

I am so thankful for all of those people who let me vent... You are right, sometimes we just have to get it out of our system.

Comment by Becky on May 24, 2009 at 10:31pm

Yikes! I meant "without" judgement.

Comment by Becky on May 24, 2009 at 4:41pm

Fortunately, blessedly, I have a good co-parenting relationship with the ex. I don't know if this is because of the things we are doing, or for some other reason, but I thought I'd share a few things that are working right now:
1. Making transitions as neutral as possible. We use a drop-in childcare that we both like - I drop the kids off and he picks up when he can get there. This eliminated the problems with someone being late, dealing with someone at the house, etc. I had the hardest time with him lingering on my porch, etc. so this worked best for me. We also use my parents for this person, a babysitter, or even the Starbucks if we all have a hot chocolate or something together before one of us leaves.
2. We use email and text a lot. This buys me time, and sometimes I need to answer the next day. We have plans to have a monthly/bi-weekly phone call "meeting" where we discuss items on an agenda - we'd like to reduce the email and it's often easier to discuss scheduling in person.
3. This one is for me: I feel like I take the high road all the fricken' time!! and it makes me tired, and grouchy, and sometimes I just want to have a temper tantrum like only my 3 year-old can have. I do have my 1 or 2 friends that I know I can really vent to with judgement. This is imperative, because "co-parenting" doesn't always feel cooperative, the sacrifices hurt, etc. Somewhere there needs to be a place where it's okay to feel like that, and to be heard when you need to be. Then you take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves, and dig back in.

Comment by Scott on May 23, 2009 at 8:43pm

Excellent co-parenting takes a lot of work & sacrifice, for sure. Usually it takes a lot of learning, too. This thread's a great idea in pursuit of that goal. Great job, Kim! :)

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