Am I just being paranoid?

[Elizabeth]

Ok, to start with my last serious relationship ended because he was cheating on me. That relationship ended over 2 years ago. About a month ago I met this really wonderful guy. We instantly felt a connection and felt like we had known each other a lot longer. He is wonderful with my kids and they just adore him. He has even started to act more like a father to them. Recently I noticed that he has started acting a little differently. He says he's coming down with a cold and is really exhausted so he can't see me for the next couple of days so that he can rest. He seemed healthy last night. Didn't seem like he was coming down with anything. We have seen each other everyday since we met. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid because of what my ex did or if I really have reason to be concerned. I have not said anything other than asking him if he was ok last night. Please tell me I'm just being paranoid and need to make sure I'm not looking for the same things just because it happened before.

[Marni]

It sounds a little paranoid to me. There have definitely been times I have felt fine one night then woken up with a cold/flu or whatever. Definitely plausible if someone is exhausted...is there something else going on in the relationship to make you think otherwise? How long have you been dating?

[Elizabeth]

We have been dating a month. His ex girlfriend called last night and then right after that he said that he was tired and needed to go to bed. About an hour later he sent me a text saying that that he hoped he didn't come off wrong and that he was sorry that he was just having an off day. I probably am being paranoid but I can't help but think that something more is going on. It may just be because of my last relationship. I know that he seems to adore me and my kids. How do you stop feeling that way though? I don't want to be a paranoid girlfriend that thinks something is going on when nothing is.

[Deanna Leigh]

From my experience it's tough when the last reference you have in relationship world is not positive. I have spent the last three years dating and always waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'...not healthy or productive in any sense. In fact I woke up yesterday feeling sick after not having a cold for months, so it's plausible.

Give him the benefit of the doubt until you have something to doubt. And if you haven't already be honest with him about what you want out a relationship and life with someone you are spending time with...I find that weeds out all the not so serioius prospects. Painful, but at least you know up front.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks, that's wonderful advice. We both have already discussed what we want and they are very similar. We have also discussed our relationship and where we see it going. It's all positive and both see each other in the same way. I just don't want to be paranoid just because of my ex. My boyfriend is so wondeful. He's sweet and very caring and we have so much in common. We always have fun together. This is the first time I started getting a little paranoid. Since we have only been together for a month it could be that since this is the first time I have seen him act differently it has thrown me off a little and brought out the paranoid thinking. He knows my ex cheated on me and I know his history with his ex. Thank you so much to you and Marni. I'm feeling much better now. Luckily I didn't come right out and say something paranoid I just simply said that I understand, everyone has their off days. But how to stop the paranoid thinking now. I don't want to screw up a good thing just because I'm worried about getting too close to someone and having it end the same way.

[Don S.]

My Bull Shit Sensor is screaming. We like to be babied when we aren't feeling well, ask him if he wants you to bring him some homemade chicken soup. (if you can't make soup offer a massage). If he says he doesn't want to get you sick he's a friggin Martyr and we've only needed one of them in the last 2000 years.

[Elizabeth]

Good idea, he loves my massages too. I don't think he would turn that down. I just sent him a text. We will see what he says.

[Elizabeth]

Ok, he just text back and said that he is not sure yet. He doesn't want to give me a cold if he has one. Sound like bull shit Don? What should I say? I don't want to sound paranoid.

[Richie]

Let me start by saying that I have been in a situation where I had to let someone go who I really could have seen a future with because of things her ex done to her. I don't know this man so I can't say what is going through is mind. But don't let a good man go because of what an asshole did.

You said that you have seen each other everyday since you started seeing each other about a month ago. This is something that I would not be able to go for. For one, my daughter is not going to be involved in our relationship after a month, 6 months....maybe if your something special. Second, after a month we probably would have only seen each other 2 maybe 3 times (talked on the phone more). After all being a full time single parent I am more concerned with getting homework done and getting getting a little belly feed before anything else. I am also into time away. Couple need to have time apart. They need to have activities to do with someone other than the significant other. It's good for a healthy relationship.

As for him saying her was sick. It is very well possible. I have been fine when I went to bed and woke up feeling like shit. As for the ex calling, maybe he has something of hers she wants back. Ask him about it.

[Travis]

Same STD guy?

Let me give you a story to compare too.

Me: Man I woke up like crap. I'm staying home.
Her: Okay, are you going to be okay?
Me: Yeah, really tired, I'm going back to sleep.
Her: You want me to bring you anything?
Me: No, I'm okay. probably later tonight.
Her: I'm worried. You sure you don't me want to bring anything? Here it was, I caught what her concern really was...
Me: Okay. I would like that, but your probably going to get sick.
Her: I'll be okay. I will bring something over in a bit.

She got sick... But! I learned something important. Allowing her to decide if she wanted to be there, gave her to the opportunity to see that I was being truthful. I continued to maintain the openness. and she got her reassurance. And she didn't care that she was sick.

[Elizabeth]

Yep, same guy. I won't find out if I got anything until the end of the week but they are treating me anyway to be on the safe side.

The story you told is true. She needed to ba able to make that decision herself. Sometimes you just need the reassurance.