What's the deal???

[Anda]

Good Day to all of you wonderful single parents out there! I have had this issue bouncing around in my head and my life for a while now and after responding to Don S. about the “Boyfriend Breakup Monkey Swinging” on the “Ask a Woman Anything” board, I have to ask –

What is the huge issue with people being friends with their ex?

My ex and I broke up this year (and it was a long, nasty, horrific breakup that involved WAY too much drama to get into here) and we have decided in the end of it all, that deep down we still enjoy each others company, we still value each others opinions, and we still wish to be friends. Now I knew immediately this would not be something his current would be willing to accept, and she has not. They fight constantly about it and she is determined that we are still having sex.

Now, I wrote off a lot of her behaviors as factors related to her age and her inexperience in REAL relationships. However, I have met a couple guys lately, and their reaction to the situation is similar. When we talk about past relationships and I explain that my ex, and the father of my children, is still a very good friend, suddenly it’s either lecture time, or I simply never hear from them again.

So, what’s the deal???

[WhisperingWinds]

Simple jealousy. Some people can handle it some cannot and some men thing the ex is just waiting in the wing for sex. I just learned this from a guy and it was interesting.

[Don S.]

I don't get it either. I was with my ex for 10+ years... there's a reason it lasted that long, there's a reason I struggled so hard to end it, there's a reason I don't just send her letters through my lawyer. I picked her. She isn't who I want to be with on christmas morning with my grandchildren but I don't have to be at war with her. My last serious relationship was with someone who got very upset when I spoke with her on the phone, when she came into the house when she picked up our children and yet the GF shared auto insurance with her ex, kept her car in his name and kept his name 5 years after her divorce. So I think that many people don't look very hard at themselves and the contradictions in their behaviors, or the way that they are constantly in a war posture. It takes a lot of forgiveness and humility to admit that you were wrong and played a part in the breakup. I found that once I did that, owned my own defects and issues. I was able to accept my ex wife for where she is and who she is and we're civil and as cooperative as you can be parent to drug user. (oo... that was a dig wasn't it? full disclosure I married her so I could use drugs too, ha!) I've been out of a relationship for over 9mos now and am going for a full year before I even consider it again.

[Anda]

You're absolutely right so many people with contradicting behavior!

[Janer]

i think there's a few possible reasons for it. 1) the person already doesn't trust you (or anyone) to be faithful, so being "friends" with an ex is scary to them. 2) the person already suspects you of cheating, and wants to lay the blame somewhere. 3) the person has never been able to stay friends with their own exes so they can't understand how YOU could be.

As for me personally, i'm not bothered by it, and i won't tolerate anyone else bitching at me for keeping exes as friends...BUT...being friends is one thing...talking about them ALL THE TIME is another...
My daughter's father was still ok with his ex, which i admired...but OH MY GOD he wouldn't shut up about her! valentine's day i hear "i bet she's eating at the chinese place, she loves that place"...our anniversary i hear "wanna hear something funny...M has a new boyfriend"...bla bla bla. every other day i heard "something funny"...that's not friendship...that's deep attachment...and it made me nuts. You wanna be friends with your ex, fine...but don't rub it in my face that you still love her.

I had another ex who still had photos up in his bedroom of one of his exes. now THAT is a slap in the face.

[Anda]

I don't think even I would deal well with a guy like you are describing and I like to think of myself as pretty tolerant!

You are right, apparently there are many trust issues between the ex and his current, some stems from her past relationships, I think a lot has to do with the fact that he cheated on me when they got together (hmmmm, mystery solved right, except it is still unclear if she knows he was cheating on me, yeah long story...). Ah, how we reap what we sew.

I guess I never realized how many people out there have trust issues.

[WhisperingWinds]

I think Janers first paragraph is dead on. I had to endure ex gf, two ex wife, no big deal. It is part of the package but if you have self esteem issues as well it will be tough. I dated another guy who had custody of his son and his ex the girls. We met and talked. She told me on the phone she trust me more than her ex.... I have some trust issues but not this deep. You have to take people at faith until proven otherwise. if you distrust them from the get go then it will not work out. The accuser will maek things so uncomortable for the other person they will eventually want to end the relationship.

[Shannon Barnes]

Interesting as I have yet to really have this be a problem in any of my relationships. I have been with people who have continued to be friends with their ex's and I have remained friends with many of my ex's throughout my life. If a man has had a problem with it, they have never made a big deal about it and I've never found it to be a problem when they continue to be friends themselves.
As a matter of fact I found it to be a mature attitude and something I admired about them, often part of the attraction. I have many male friends and I don't have time to deal with someone who can't accept that or that some of them have been in a relationship with me at some point and vice versa. It's as simple as that is my past, your past and this is our present. Enjoy it and be thankful that we have it.

[Anda]

I think I will just incorporate this topic into my "screening process." Frankly, if they can't trust me to be friends (and only friends) with my ex, then that is just the beginning of the trouble that "relationship" is in store for.

It's good to know that the practice of being friends with your ex is actually acceptable, I was beginning to wonder...

[WhisperingWinds]

this is what stbx said then i asked another male......

women are not as easily sexually turned on like a guy is. i remember reading this column years ago written by a guy in cosmo who tracked, um,. penis arousal, to different stimuli through the day. he concluded what we women say.... men are pigs... lol that this guy got turned out by some of the oddest things. women for us it is more physical. think about you finally lost your virginitiy ladies. aroused...... by touch.

we are touchy and most guys are visual. so i think that is why some men are more afraid of friends but women who have low self esteem or have been cheated on will have issues.

for me it is the endless new women he kept meeting and chatting and then telling me i was a jealous... b. meanwhile when i said was giong to email my male bf. he flipped out. he took away the phone and the phone line. if he had been here it woud have been a crime.

when you are in relationship two big things that can kill things are being jealous of the kids on either side and to many exs they may be dealing with. ex mothers and dads you have to deal with like it or not. new friends i can see may be an issue. ones that go way back same like an ex. have to accept them.

unless both go into thing saying no more friends fine. work with that and stick to it. but anda i see it this way too. my stbx is a control freak. he wanted everything to revolve around him from apts, to shopping and some people like this often have anger issues. i have sadly seen it twice. you cannot make people like this happy. once they think they control you they try to control more to the point you are miserable. trust is dead on.


quick poll how m any have had an overly jealous mate who demaned you end all past relationships?

[Delaine Moore]

It really is about people's insecurities being triggered. Their reactions come strictly from the ego and they go into self-protection/blame mode instead of good hard look at themselves. Getting along and having a functional friendship, espeically when children are involved, is truly in everyone's best interest - but it requires us to stretch into big people...and not everyone is capable, or they require more time that we'd think.

Your decision to move beyond the anger and drama is amazing and I commend you highly for it. I hope one day my ex and I will get there too.

[Jenny]

well, concerning trust issues. I do have to say that I have never NOT been cheated on by a guy.. they say you reap what you sow.. but I have never cheated in my life!! So???? My ex talked alot about his ex with me and said that it was because he felt comfortable with me.. at a romantic dinner? hmmm.. and he kept pictures too.. I said I was glad that he felt good around me and that it encouraged me further to finish my degree in counseling (hehe) however its not encouraging me forward in this relationship.. he cried :( Do I have trust issues .. you bet.. but am I willing to work on them with a guy that is willing to understand me and where I come from and make some reassuring moves... yes!!!Thats what relationships are about in part right.. two broken people loving each other enough to help the other person? I don't like it that I have a hard time trusting.. but it didn't just come from nowhere.. relationships are about you and the person you are with.. Period. If I KNOW a guys heart is with me great and I would want him to be at a point of healing from his past as well.. If its not cool with you that they don't like it then you either need to be honest with them and let them go so they can be with someone who will understand and they can get help..or be willing to inch a little their way too.. I am sure there are things in you that the other person has to come to understand as well...? I know men who do not cheat, and I am not without hope..I just make stronger choices now.. as opposed to say.. last week!! haha! It is a big deal to some... its a fact of life.. like some people lie, some people are hardened, some people are rude.. blah, blah.. its just part of being in a broken world... I encourage forgiveness and being polite to an ex.. in fact I think that shows maturity.. but having to hang with them? you are who you are with.

[Jenny]

By the Grace of God I do want to trust again!!! Should this be free though? and I am looking forward to the great guy out there that will be there for me and I am sure he will have some battles that I would more than LOVE to help him through as well!!