So what did you do or not do to settle a divorce?

[WhisperingWinds]

I was thinking about this. I know some of us have tried counseling, to not end it,
or mediation, or just giving in or up evertything to keep the peace.

My first one he broke everythng so it made so easy to leave.
This one I tried no money, annullment, some money, a lot of money to no avail.

What creative thing do you do to make peace?

At this point I may send cash and an antique to end it all. lolI kid you not!

The armoire is a 100 yr old art deco antique worth more than my car!
I even thought cookies with a new offer?

[Janer]

i think the ease of the divorce goes along with who decided to leave the relationship and whether one of you was severely damaged by the relationship ending. If you left the guy, for example, and he was really upset by it, or didn't understand why, or felt you left without just cause, he may feel that the only way to regain control of the situation is to refuse to allow you a divorce, or to make the divorce process hellish for you in retribution. if that's the case, nothing you offer as settlement is good enough because the only real offer they want is to have you back or to make you pay for your actions.

In your case, it seems that he just found a handy tax loophole and decided to use your marriage for personal gain. letting you out of it would mean giving up that gain. i doubt cookies will solve that problem

i do think some people fight the divorce because the longer they avoid it, the longer they go without paying support. in those cases you would think offering to take support off the table would speed that along...but that's what i thought my ex wanted...i offered in july to lower support if he would just not fight custody...and he refused...suddenly wanting split custody. For two months we faught over visitation schedules and everything else, but when he filed his papers, he wrote that custody wasn't an issue...so it turns out, it seems, that he is in the first group of people...he just wanted to make my life difficult in retribution for what i "did to him".

I have to admit though, that i'm glad he has acted the way he has. I think everyone from broken relationships wonders now and then "if it could have worked out"...but when your ex repeatedly shows you his true colors, you tend to wonder less often and end up more thankful that you left when you did. I also think, as someone else pointed out in another blog, that we often hear the ex's "song of woe" and offer things to make the end "easier on them" because we feel sorry for them, when the truth is, they don' tgive a dam about our feelings and we really shouldn't feel sorry for people who are just trying to control us.

My advice to you, whisper, is to fight this one to the death. After all he put you through, don' tgive him a damn thing. He's taken enough. Take your power back.

[WhisperingWinds]

Janer! Amazing analogy!

This is what I had concluded. I had to send some very personal emails to the cops there. I am trying to keep neutral and peaceful he threatens one minute, demands the next then demeans. Then refused a divorce. Then tells me if i only did this or that he would do this and that and demanding I delete the emails and talk to no one he made a list of.

I did find out out he did buy a house. He now will have to pay me half that equity. I was going to buy a new home in another state. good deals now and I had some money saved hard since I got drained out because of his sheningans, but was afraid to buy because I knew he would go after it. He tried that when his ex bought a home when they first split but she put it in someones elses name

The court here is what they call a court of equity. So he cannot get by on less than 50 per of his pension and vice versa. I now get 6 yrs of a Canadian govt pension lol!

I told him the longer we stayed married the more it would cost him. He knew a long time ago that it was not possible for me to come back there. So I had to send emails about this to the cops looking at him and fraud. The cops are seeing what I mean now.

I want to say there is some love in this but the true colors i saw before I left and I had enough. His lack of loyalty to anyone but himself was bothering. I have some life long friends and have seen good relationships. Need that books he is just not that into you... lol.

I am in friend mode now I guess.
In my first divorce I had not intially asked for anythng but custoday in the end I got sole custody I would have gone for joint and i figure if i got a 100 a month in support fine, I got over the regular amt because he never came to court. Had a lawyer but he never showed. The judge got fed up and eventually a warrant was issued for his arrrest to the tune of 100k.

He finally paid down half of the 50k he owed me. Still paying now. True, not without a big long fight i had wanted to terminate his rights and glad I did not.

[Janer]

well, my ex says today what i suspected...he's no longer fighting for custody. we'll find out which group of people he really fits into when he hears what i expect for child support.

[WhisperingWinds]

he sounds like my kids dad. he fought for custody of only one child. why> she was eligible for dis payments. i did not know that then he did.
he was after that income. which eventually i got when we split and my income dropped. h e tried to tell the courts once i refused visisation. he never asked. never bothered so in the end i won. i am glad for you janer and hope he gets the table or above tha amt for support. my judge in the end punished my ex and ordered him to pay a bit extra in support payments for not showing up to court. then the final time the judge ordered a warrant for his arrest.

[Janer]

if there's one thing i want out of court it's for a judge to put him in his place. the table amount for his income is between $275 and $316 (depending on how they factor in his other child support payments). he's offering $100. he also doesn't realize they can order him to pay arrears, and get life insurance, and health insurance for k. he should be plenty pissed when he realizes all that.

[WhisperingWinds]

I do not like it when men have other kid then expect to not support those kids by owing more child support. Here I see forums on the net from step mom trying to find a way for thier husbands to NOT pay child support because they have new kids. That just irks me.