Sex while separated: Is it cheating?

[Scott]

This isn't an easy topic. I suspect that there'll be strong views. Hopefully we can keep it polite anyway. :)

[taylansmommy (Dana)]

Personally I think it all depends on the situation. In mine, my ex has moved on already and told me even though technically we are still married, he doesn't consider me his wife anymore. So I do not feel that if I decided to take that step I would be cheating. My guess is that many will disagree with me.

[Scott]

Married = married. It's a legal & moral commitment that doesn't go away when it becomes inconvenient. Someone who's leaving that commitment needs to be putting some attention into dealing with that, rather than looking for someone with whom to medicate their emotions via friction & lubrication. ;)

Cheating on a spouse while separated is certainly less destructive to all 3 involved parties (plus kids, if any) than cheating on a spouse while still pretending to be committed. That's kinda like the way that assault is less destructive than aggravated assault, though. It doesn't justify cheating while separated.

I'm not claiming moral high ground; I had a girlfriend while separated from my wife. I was wrong to do so and I wish I hadn't done it. I also ended my first marriage with an actual, for-reals affair, though that's a different topic.

Seriously, if a marriage is falling apart, do people honestly believe that they're in a good place to tangle emotions with another person? Having sex while divorcing is viciously selfish whether it directly wounds the estranged spouse, or not. Even if people want to hurt their spouse (which is sad) why would they want to do that to the person they're having the "technical" affair with? Or themselves? Or their kids? *shudder*

I do understand; I did this. It's not that I don't get it... I just don't get the rationalization & justification of it 'cause even when I was doing it I knew very well that it was selfish & wrong.

So, for the folks that believe it's not cheating... why is it okay? Explain. :) I'll surely disagree but that's okay; you don't have to convince me or anything. It's just a discussion, and I'd love to hear other viewpoints.

[christine]

i so agree with this. just wait for the divorce, be really done with it, then move on.

[Scott]

A spouse who gives a thumbs-up does absolve at least most of their portion of the contract. It's still a legal contract, but that isn't all that big a deal. Some people who get married are religious... do they believe that God also signs off on "go get some action 'cause it's ending anyway"?

If a spouse says, "You should sleep with other people if ya want" then it's not cheating on them, I suppose. I think it's still cheating on yourself, and it's asking the other person to cheat, and it's modeling cheating for any kids.

Isn't it?

[uomeasmile (Kim)]

That is exactly my problem. I also believe married = married. Even though he clearly does not. However, I have to be true to my beliefs. Do I miss sex, heck yeah. But even if I were divorced, it would be unfair to the guy. I'm in no position to even begin a relationship. After 10 years of marriage, I just need some time alone.

And like I said on the last post, I'm just not a one night stand kind of girl. I guess everyone figured that out by my NSA question. Ladies, if that is your cup of tea, go for it. I'm just saying it isn't right for me.

I also have strong religious beliefs about it. I'm not going to try to convince any of you my religious beliefs should stop you from doing what you want. However, they do have a BIG impact on me. I wouldn't change that either.

Also, I rather courageously posted a question about what internet sex is. Angel, thanks for chiming in. So I asked a guy friend of mine today. It usually means chatting in a chat room similar to phone sex. At least that is what my best guy friend told me. Anyone is free to correct me.

But basically, I took my vows in a church, with my pastor, and in front of family and friends. I will keep that covenant until it is officially over.

Kim

[Scott]

I hope not. I had lots while I was separated.

[Angie]

You didn't tell me you were still MARRIED!!!! Joke everyone, joke. My opinion is...Is you've separated yourselves in everyway possible, and you are waiting for your divorce to be final, you no longer have a commitment to eachother.

[Scott]

Sheesh, I have been divorced for quite some time darlin. All good.

[mike]

I belive that its up to the people who are seperated

rules guidelines that kind of stuff otherwise

ok I say to my wife I want a seperation for a little while ok I am going to chase this girl for a week and go back to my wife. (still cheating in my mind) ok so there is a girl once a month that I want to chase but still have a wife on the side a little messed up I think. but its ok your not cheating cause your seperated right. and lets say your wife does the same thing then you are seeing eachother less and less at that point might as well just go get the divorce. (I would hate to be the kids if both parents were doing that its bad enough when one is doing it)

meh just my opinion

[Dan Goers]

I think you have to clearly define separation. There's separation just to have some time to reflect or take a break There's separation in hopes of "finding" each other. Those are just two examples I can think of that I don't think it's right to have sex with someone other then your spouse. In my case I was separated from my wife for over two years before I could afford to get my divorce, that I am just beginning, but there was no doubt my wife and I were done. There was no, "going to get back together". I hope I made sence..

[Janer]

that's pretty much what i would have said. depends on the reason for the separation. my ex and i separated until we could pay for a divorce. which took YEARS...was i supposed to not have sex? (oh wait, i didn't anyway...but that was just bad luck :)

[Meagan]

I think you have to be so far separated that divorce is imminent. That said, I have slept with a separated man. He had been in nasty divorce proceedings for over 18 months and it was kind of an FWB thing (he had felt like he needed to wait but it was getting ridiculous so we decided to "help each other out" in a safe space). So that's my take on it. I did not sleep with anyone until the divorce was final, the gavel had hit the bench, etc.