Opinion on holding visitation hostage....

[Jennifer]

I know I'm going to get blasted for this but here goes anyway.
My ex lives in another state. He doesn't call on a regular basis (to talk to the kids) and when I call him he doesn't return my calls. We are even on 'good terms' as far as peacefull communication but he'll say he's getting paid in a few days and I'll call him in a few days and nothing. He's sent money twice this year to help out but basically were are dependant on my family.

I'd really like to tell him not to call until he gets his shit together but I don't really know what's best. Is it better for my kids to get to talk to him at random intervals. Also toss in the fact that he makes promises to them that he has yet to keep. Or is it better to just have them wait it out? He went for about 3 months already without calling. Plus what it does to me. I have bent over backwards working to keep our involvement civil and at times even friendly and he can't even return a phone call to his children's mother? It makes me so angry and I hate that he still has the ability to do that.
Thanks any advice...

[Wendee]

I'm practically in the same boat, but my ex is an addict. It's been 1 year since he's spoken to the kids, 3 1/2 years since he left. He lives 1200 miles away, and I've given him countless chances to work up a consistent schedule to speak to the kids (when he's sober). He just can't do it. He sent us money once, when he had a real job and his pay was garnished.
I'm not sure what your custody/parenting arrangements are, but mine say that he's only allowed one 15 minute phone convo per week. I have sole physical and legal custody. I told him that he will not speak to my children until he can get help and prove that he's had a year clean. I know I can do this because he's in no position to take me to court over it. When/if he is in that position, I am in contact with his family and will definitely know before any legal action could take place.
Not sure of your situation, but this isn't something I wanted to do -- it's something I have to do. The kids don't deserve to have their emotions jerked around by someone that can't control their own lives. They deserve to have parents that love them and want to be in their lives.
Make sure you are making this decision in the best interests of the children, not out of your anger toward him.

[WhisperingWinds]

Legally you cannot withhold visitiation. I would find out if your state has a schedule. It sounds like he may eventually just drop off the radar. To many guys do this. I am sorry.

[Jenn]

you only have to give visitation IF there is a court order.

Dont contact him, when he does contact you, just ask him what makes him think that it is ok for him to be in and out of the kids life, then give him an ultimatium (sp?) that he needs to be consistent or just forget it.

[WhisperingWinds]

Jen, it depends on the state. each state rules vary. Then there is the matter of enforcement. If you refuse he will eventually have to take you to court to proven contempt. Contempt is the downside. My ex the kids dad did that and he ended up with a 100k cash only warrant for refusing a judges order. Then he had the nerve to ask me to make it all alright after years of not paying a dime for suppott. The warrant eventually got me half of what he owed.

Contempt can vary by judge and states as well. It can be tough. Your kids will eventually figure out daddy is being selfish. that is the hard part for the kids imo.

[Jenn]

yeah my ex tried to threaten me before there was a court order that i was doing something illegal, when I wouldnt drop everything and go meet him to take our son immediately, then he would refuse visitation if i told him a time that would work for me. he wasnt going to work around my schedule!! there was no court order, and he was not adjudicated, so he really had no rights!! it took him a year to even take me to court (I took away visitation because his gf told me that he was doing cocaine) which wound up being a huge waste of time and money, because the judge put a stipulation that visitations could only happen if he took a chemical assesment, which he refused to do!! now it has been 2 years and we still do not hear from him at all, the only time that he has called was to yell at me that i did not calll him when our son was in the hospital overnight for asthma. he only called when he got the bill!!

if he has moved away without setting up any type of visitation schedule with you, he probably wont!! Just leave the ball in his court for the time being, and see just how much his children mean to him. So sorry that you and your children need to go through this!!

[Wendee]

I agree totally with "Just leave the ball in his court for the time being, and see just how much his children mean to him." It's unfortunate that these men are idiots, but at a certain point you have to let them be in charge of their own futures.
I tell them their daddy loves them but is in his own place right now, sorting out his life. They're 5 & 7 now, and seem to accept this without too many questions. I'm sure that will change soon enough.

[Delaine Moore]

Jennifer, I've been in your shoes in terms of dealing with an irresponsbible father (financially and with the children) and am finally now pursuing legal action.

I'd check in with your lawyer to make sure any decisions you make can't work against you. But the bottom line is that if he isn't fulfilling his end of any legal contract you've both agreed upon, I wouldn't jump to fulfill yours, espeically if he oftentimes cancels his time with your kids or doesn't show; that's NOT in thier best interest. Document EVERYTHING Jennifer, if you aren't already. You need the dates of every phone call, every (missed) payment, every conversation, and every email.

The truth is (and this is very sad to say) some people need to feel the strong arm of the law and not just yours, in order to rise up and meet their obligations as a parent/divorced spouse.