How do you get dates?

[~KaY~]

I find it hard to get a date..I dont know if its because I'm a chubby single parent? haha or what. I just dont know how do you guys get dates? I grew up in small town where everyone knew everyone, so approaching someone is harder here..Anyway i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. where do you even look? haha

[Scott]

Do single moms really find their kids to be that big a deterrant? I hear about that a lot, but it's alien to me. Of course, I'm a single dad, so kids are A-OK with me. I doubt I'd want to date a woman who didn't have kids or at least love them wholeheartedly... why would I want to meld my life with someone who doesn't have the same priorities that I do?

If I were trying to date, I'd probably leverage this site heavily. I'd make friends, go to events, initiate events, get together for activities, etc. I'd also get as involved as I could with the community... volunteer at schools, for churches, etc. People who voluntarily serve others are *way* more likely to be really decent people. Plus, serving others is one of the best ways I know of to bring joy and fulfillment into our own lives.

Try some online dating, but be cautious. Using the internet to meet people is great. Using it to actually have a relationship is risky and complicated.

Make friends, even if you're not interested in dating the person. That opens up networking opportunities and eventually you'll meet some dateable people that way.

And don't be too gung-ho about dating. You're experiencing some perks that you probably don't realize. Nobody's yelling at you or your son. You aren't reliant on anyone else. Take some time to appreciate the benefits of being a single parent - they are numerous!

Plus, seeking a partner is more likely to result in a lousy match, IMO. The best relationships I've ever had were the ones that I stumbled into rather than the ones I found after seeking desperately. This ties into what I posted on your blog: take advantage of being single to learn how to be happy with just you. *Then* you're prepared when a guy happens along. Until then... you've just been lonely and needy since your last relationship but you've not grown any more prepared for your next one.

If you are in the Portland area, come hang out with me & my boys on Wednesdays or alternate weekends. I won't date anyone but I can be your buddy. :)

[~KaY~]

Thank you for your advice scott...I see where you are comming from...i never looked at it that way...You are right...I need to just take advantage of being single....I guess I just miss having someone. Anyway how old are your boys..I live in the clackamas area...soo maybe wednesdays would work for a playdate...thanks again!
kayln

[Sandie G.]

Having been a single parent for 7 years, I would agree with the notion that dating is difficult with kids. I can't count the times a guy was clearly interested in getting to know me, until I was honest about my kids. What is so weird about that for me is I don't mix my family life and my dating life. At least not in the beginning, My longest post divorce relationship that lasted 3 years only met my kids twice. Of course that very reason was also the cause of our split.

I would agree that there are perks to being a truely single parent, but there is also no need to life your entire life without moving on in your adult life and finding a relationship again.If that is what you want. Though from my experience networking and being introduced to others through friends has been the best approach.

[Scott]

I also totally miss having someone. That's natural and right. :)

My boys are 6, 8, 10, 13 and 15. The younger 3 live with their mom in Milwaukie. (I'm in Beaverton.) Since they're not too far from Clackamas we can surely find some great playdates. But Wednesdays aren't optimal, 'cause their mom drops them off at my place and then I drop them off at her school (PCC Sylvania, very near where I-5 and 217 join).

Non-optimal doesn't mean non-doable. :) Tonight I have plans, though.

And on alternate weekends (last weekend, for example) I have them and we're frequently out that way and it'd be great to have an adult to talk with while they do stuff. I treasure our time together but there are also many times when they're totally tickled pink on their own and I'm mostly yawning and babysitting, more or less.

[Higgs Boson]

where do you even look?

Craigslist??? :)

Like Scott said, I think its better to get yourself involved in some activities you like and meet people with similar interests. Worst case scenario is you have fun doing something you like, best case is you also meet someone who has this same interest. I would look at the various groups on meetup.com.

Call me crazy but I've decided to live my life and hope the right person happens to show up. I tried very briefly putting myself on a dating site and it was a horrible experience, it felt like a second job, and this is something that shouldn't feel that way.

[McKessidy]

I've been single mama for nearly 3 years now, and the concept of dating was fairly foreign to me for a while. I dated two people last year, having known them both pre-relationship. We are still friends now, which is nice.

For 2008, I made a resolution to put myself out there socially. I figured I would never meet anyone if I did....well, try to meet anyone. In January, I joined Meetup, and several online dating sites (only one paid). I had a LOT of dates come through....most of which didn't make it past date 1. Only one psycho. I came to the realization after a few months that I didn't really want a serious relationship. I've gotten really comfortable with being single mama.

Love will find you. And in the interim, it can be nice to network, experiment, find out what you like, what you don't, and grow as a person. Take the time to get to know yourself. Don't expect the first or second or 30th guy to come around to be "the rest of your life," and feel no shame in finding your own boundaries. Be healthy, be safe....and be true to you.

Guys are out there...MEN are a little harder to find, but they do exist. So smile, breathe deeply, and (safely) find ways to network.

Good luck!

[Shawn]

Ha it is so nice to know that we are not alone.Sounds like something from close encounters and the three kind . I think when we were young and married our significant other we were all a little cluless. Now with kids, work, paying bills being super mom and dad is exhausting. I can not tell you what I really want to say on my profile on Match.com. I would llike to say first things first I AM FREAKIN TIRED THREE QUARTERS OF THE TIME HOW WAS YOUR DAY? LOL or here is one , GOT KIDS? I wish I could tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I can share the men I have dated had said wow you are great but you have young kids and that is not going to work for me but call me if you want to have a great time. I am honest and up front which sometimes scares them away. Its hard but I think this website can help relieve the pain and loinless that we share as single parents. We are all unique and each parent is differnt - so lets all laugh a little about dating and help one another.
AMEN SISTERS AND BROTHERS!!!!

[Gabi]

Well put!!!! :-)

[uomeasmile (Kim)]

Hey McKessidy,

When I read this post, it reminded me of your blog. The psycho date from hell. It made me laugh (with you not at you) ;) At least I assume that is the psycho date, and if not please blog again. That was a memorable story!

Take care,
Kim

[Kathy]

I have recently become a single parent with an 11 year old son. My son and I were living in Mexico for 10 years, enjoyed it but are glad to be back home. I am getting into the swing of the balancing act - working full-time, taking care of a house, helping my son adjust to school, etc.. and I feel happy (sometimes a bit stressed, as I'm sure we all are). I have been starting to think, more and more, that I need to start socializing. I would like to get out and start making friends with other women, to have a network, and I would like to start to date, or at least to meet nice men as friends and then possibly move on to a more romantic situation. Its exciting, kind of scary.. not really sure where to start. I read that someone mentioned about waiting for someone to appear in your normal, natural activies and I've been doing that, but I can't help but think.. and if that person doesn't happen to cross my path? Hmmm. I've also thought of taking some courses, getting involved with community activities, etc.. problem is that when you're a single parent you don't always have a lot of time for yourself. Maybe the idea is to make that time? Suggestions? How do you get out and meet people, especially when you don't have a network of women friends set up who you can go out with?

[Allison]

I hear what your saying.. It is hard to find a date when you are a single parent. I don't know if it is neccessarily just the fact that some men are scared off b/c we have kids or b/c our priorities have changed since we have had kids... Our priorites and what we are looking for in a man. I for one see that My whole outlook on relationships and the ideal partners has changed significantly since having my daughter. Trust me there are some nights that are lonely and long but I also agree with Scott though.. there are major perks to being a single parent...I tried dating through some sites.. I went on two dates and decided this really is not for me.. I also felt like it was a job. I decided that I would lay low and take care of me before I tried to find someone.. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time when my little one is sleeping.. and when I do get out I spend time with my girlfriends... I figure when the time is right it will happen...

[marley]

I don't know about where you are but here in Portland it seems there are TONS of single people all looking for each other and not finding one another. People have the west coast thing going on, not overly forward or outgoing in meeting others, yet secretly hoping people will say hi. I am at fault too because when I see someone cute coming my way I kind of get shy and can't smile and make eye contact, whats the big deal, just do it , but its hard.

I have also done some online dating, nice people but will never do that again. I think that my biggest thing is to expand my network of people and with that may come some relationships beyond friendship. I don't have easy answers but I do feel the sadness from time to time of being single, although can't imagine life with a relationship either because my son and I have such a groove on.. I think visualizing that it will happen and opening your heart to it can be a good start..