A storied apology to an Iheart member.

[Richard]

For lack of a better word this story starts in 1966 I believe, if my facts are wrong all will be forgiven it's the story that's important, It's about a young woman named Sharon, who after living dirt poor on a level most even in the worst time's today can't even begin to imagine was getting all that she had coming to her, great kids, good home and a husband to be proud of on every level and with all good things, life stepped in to change that, at of all times christmas.
The first thing she heard was the screaming of her youngest child dying, and awoke to a house in flames along with her, her husband and one remaing child out of three she jumped from a second story window, with all the horror's that come with a burning home still embracing all three of them.
The pictures that no longer exist of her before life stepped in gave hint's of stunning good looks and a smile to melt hearts that was both genuine as it was warm, those taken after that day remain to this day hidden in photo albums no one but a few speak of and never around strangers.
As luck would have it, loosing everything within days which included a loving husband and 3 children life still had unwanted gifts in ubundance for her, and she carried those as if they were the weight of the world on weary shoulders, and did so with a grace few ever matched.
Her next to last gift that life had left to bestow was nothing more than a mask but one she could never take off, and was villafied on levels normally reserved for only the most wretched that humanity has to offer, Most of her face had to be reconstructed, and arms as well which to most, for all intent and purpose's became the stuff nightmare's are made of.
Eventually she did remarry but not for the best of reason's and some have said they were the worst, and raised a family, only to loose her 5th child to sid's, but she persavered and contiued to have 3 more daughter's.
Now came life's final and worst gift of all; judgement in the remaining 25 years of her life the number of time's she was asked to leave a resteraunt could not be counted, the pta meetings she was asked to never attend as well as school functions that requested she never attend because she scared the children, as well as the hushed whisper's of those in the store or out in public, her every action ridaculed and even the right to be a fit parent was asked, becuase no one that looked like that could ever raise a child properly soley because she was judged without merit or cause, those were just some of life's final gift.


For those wondering what the point of this post is really about, its the public character assasination of an Iheart member after posting a blog, was the post bad timing or just taken wrong, possibly both but it struck a strong chord with me, and it wasn't for what was posted but the events that followed, we all judge we all have opinions and those are great good or bad, but when they are publicly broadcast in a medium that never goes away for all to see, how are we any better than those that mocked or made fun of the woman in this story and take away from what this site is suppose to represent.
Wether you agree or disagree with someone they should never have their dignity taken from them public or private, worst of all publicly no matter what is said after, those words can never be erased, and the bard had it right all along "the pen is so much mightier than the sword and cuts all the deeper'.

Stacy let me be the first to apologize, and hopefully I am not the last, this should have never happened, for what ever reason it did, nothing can change the way it made you look or feel and that may be the deepest wound of all and my deepest regret for not doing this sooner or hopefully stopping it from going as far as it did or for that matter anyone else.

Now for all those wondering as to why I would write about this woman or apologize to Stacey it's very simple the woman in the story had a full name it was Sharon Lynn Oviatt, but it never meant or carried the importance of her other name which was simply mom, if you haven't guessed yet, yes the woman in this story was my mother, and I was there first hand for every mean or disparaging remark made or directed at her, so hopefully next time when the temptation to publicly demean and belittle anothers viewpoint, station in life, like's or dislike's remember that is someone's sister, brother or mother.
I have left this post open for those that want to reply, I have no interest in tracking it further or what will be said only that it is read and hopefully taken to heart.

[Janer]

well said.

[Melissa]

Wow Richard I applaud you, and I'm very sorry for what your mother went through. As for Stacey I felt bad cuz she was getting attacked for posting her feelings, her and I got along really well on Saturday and I enjoyed talking to her about her son. Thanks so much for posting this story, it actually made me cry and I'm so sorry.

[Aurora Baxter]

Thank you Richard for helping put things in perspective!

[Stacey]

First off, Richard I have to apologize for everything that your mother has gone through in her life. That story touched my heart.

Second, Thank You. As Melissa has said, the other night was fun for us. Her, Aurora, Marc and myself genuinely enjoyed ourselves after the movie.

Lastly, I don't have much else to say as I am all talked out, have a bit of a cold and super tired. But, I do hope that those of us who are still on good terms can socialize outside of this website in the future.

But again, Thank You.

[Todd]

Richard, what your mother endured was terrible, but what does that have to do with the topic? Comparing your mothers story with the drama going on here is like comparing hanging a man because of his color and hanging a murderer. One based on hate and the other based on judgement of actions.
Stacey wasnt attacked, people judged her by her actions. People judged your mother by the way she looked, something she couldnt do anything about. Stacey was judged by her words, clothing, hygene etc. She may very well be a nice person, but thats not at issue. Why do some people stand up and say its wrong to judge people when we ALL do it every day? We see someone begging for change on the corner and decide if we give him money he will likely go buy drugs or booze. We see someone who looks shady at the park, and we keep our children away from him. An email about millions waiting for us in a 3rd world country, they just need $1000 of our money and our bank account number. This world is full of hypocrites and pacifists, afraid to tell it like it is because someone might be offended or someone might think your mean for standing up for yourself.
We as single parents have to hold down a job, take care of our children and if we cant afford to do that we dont go out spending money like a drunken sailor. (yes, I profiled drunk sailors) Why should people be made to feel sorry because they think some people who refuse to take care of themselves, and now we, the hard working responsible parents have to now shoulder the burden of taking care of those losers too? Then, on top of it all, when we see one of these people in a bar, or spending OUR tax money in a recreational way, were supposed to feel good about it because they are getting out and need a break? BULLSH*T! People who cant contribute to society are a drain on it, and dont a lot of us have hard enough time making it as it is? I, for one, refuse to apologize for standing up for what I believe in, if it hurt Staceys feelings, perhaps she should reevaluate why people see her they way they do. Unlike Richards mother, she can change how people see her. Call it tough love or constructive criticism, thats the way it is.

[Jen]

Richard, I also commend you and your mother for what you endured during yours and her life.

I read Stacey's blog initially but made the choice not to respond, but never checked back to see what the other responses were. This is why I chose not to respond: because any time I have pointed out to Stacey in her blogs and discussions that there ARE people who are part of the group that are available to meet up with at events or to be a tiny bit more flexible in regards to people running late or not being as obvious as she would hope they would be, I was attacked with negativity and excuses. I'm not saying I'm perfect - I have two kids, we forget things at home, we hit traffic, we have behavioral issues, etc that make us late for events - and frankly, I do not enjoy wearing a sign that says "Meetup.com Single Parents Group" - but LIFE happens that makes things have to change and forces those around us to be flexible and adapt.

Stacey, when you read this, which you undoubtedly will, I do not want you to hear the negative, even though you likely will. What I hope you will take from any of my posts that I have left for you over the past few months is that:

a) there are good people in our group who are there and ready to meet you but unfortunately you probably haven't been able to attend events that they have been at - heaven forbid we don't plan to attend only the events that you can.

b) if you continue to spout negative comments and remarks, you shouldn't be surprised when you get them in return. BE POSITIVE. We have all been in similar situations as you - we are all single parents, regardless of our situations and circumstances about how we got here, and we ALL have the frustrations and issues that you talk about. I was negative and disgruntled for a LONG time after the ex left, and it took me a while to get out of that funk. But once I did, and tried to find the good things in my life rather than all the defecits, my life really turned for the good. I have a strong set of friends FROM OUR GROUP and make good choices rather than lamenting about how crappy life is.

c) Sometimes, it is painful and uncomfortable, but we have to step outside our comfort zone to make progress. Sure, it would be great if everyone at an event was obvious that they were part of the group, but frankly that makes ME uncomfortable to be holding a sign announcing to the world that, "Hey, I'm a single mom! And I have a baby in my arms and 5 year old standing next to me! Come distract me so you can swipe my purse or child!" It's not safe. Be courageous and ASK someone who might look like they are waiting for someone, "Are you part of the single parents group?" If they say no, so what? No harm no foul. And if they say yes, congratulations you found the group. Stop expecting people to line up just so YOU know where to find them.

I'm sorry that whatever was said offended you somehow. My experience in reading your posts is that you take offense very easily and take everything as a personal attack rather than constructive criticism (thanks Todd for that phrase). I hope that you can move past the anger and hurt feelings to be a part of our group, but to speak very bluntly and frankly, if you were at an event and had the attitude in person that I have read online, I wouldn't want to hang out with you, either.

Find the good in life, find the positive things around you, and you will receive those things back tenfold. Good luck to you in your journey.

p.s. I honestly don't care how you respond to this, Stacey, even though you probably will. I just hope that you read the kind words that I hope made their way through this post and realize that you are responsible for making that change. I could go put on my counselor hat and say other things, but I won't. If you would like ideas or advice about changing some of the behaviors or thoughts that you have, feel free to let me know and I will give some referrals in your area.