21 month son is this the norm?

[Candace]

My son is 21 months and he has recently started saying mine to everything and telling everyone no. This is a new thing, I was wondering if I could get any better ideas for discipline. I do put him in timeout and I use a very direct apporoach to parenting. I am just stuck. He has also started screaming in me face when I tell him no.

What do you do when this happens?

[argonaut (Scott)]

This is fairly normal. The key is consistency, consistency and consistency. I can remember with both of my girls having moments when they refused to listen. Be calm and firm. It will take patience and time, but it will end.

I have always held my girls hands when walking through a parking lot for example. Both of them have tested this rule, and at times I had to pick them up and carry them because they kept trying to pull away. Eventually, both of them realized that no matter how much they struggled, whined or threw a fit the rule would not change. As they got older I would walk with them and tell them to grab my belt loop if my hands were full with out fear that they would take off running.

I do not think how you enforce your rules are as important as consistently enforcing them. Remember, it's called the terrible twos for a reason.

[Steve]

I agree with CONSISTENCY being the most important thing a parent can do. I would like to add though that not reacting to the negative behaviors, such as the screaming in your face will discourage them from doing it eventually. When they get a desired effect from certain behaviors they learn from it, and when they don't they learn from that also.

[uomeasmile (Kim)]

I know it is frustrating. When my girls were having a meltdown, I found ignoring the behavior put an end to it rather quickly. When he is openly defiant, that is when to choose your battle. Sometimes just a change of scenery is enough to help the child calm down. It is a stage... and completely normal. As frustrating and trying as it is, you will make it through. Like others have said, consistency is key. Here is a little something to give you a laugh:

Toddler Property Laws


1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, Its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, It's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I am doing or building something,all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[JOLENE]

I love this!!! It is SO true!!!

[Steve]

Some of us forget to grow out of these rules when we grow up.

[Candace]

Poor Steve. lol

[MP]

Its, unfortunately (LOL), totally normal. Live is 21 mos and much the same only she says "stop it" with her finger point (uh, just like me when telling my older kids to stop, lol). I've pretty much stuck with redirecting her on to something else. At 21 mos they are on the cusp of getting their behavior and what it does and just mimicking others. If he is screaming at you I'd just say "You're frustrated, but screaming at me is not nice. Let mommy know when you need a hug" and walk away. He might pout for a bit, but with my kids they'll come up and say they are done and want a love. State how he feels so that HE can learn to realize how he feels "you look sad", "you're scared, huh?", "oh, are you angry?". Once he realizes how he feels he'll be better able to manage those outburst...but its like an 18 year baby-step process.

Good luck mama! And heads up, when you think you've mastered this behavior, he'll come up with a new challenge for you, lol. Parenting is by far the hardest job out there!

[sky wright]

I have the same question only my daughter is a year old and is constantly getting into things and always on the move. We tell her no, but she just keeps doing it. I have tryed to pull her away and distracter her with her toys, but that doesn't seem to work either. I don't know what to do because I'm at the point where I don't even go out in public with her because she just doesn't mind and its not because I don't disipline her because I do and so does her grandparents and the staff at the daycare....I just don't know what else to do...is this normal?

[uomeasmile (Kim)]

At one years old, most children are exploring their surroundings. Everything is interesting... from the electrical outlet to tupperware. I know that it can be frustrating to have a kiddo who loves to explore. At one, she can't set her own boundaries. Playpens and baby gates aren't as popular as they used to be, but I found them to be a necessity with my middle daughter. Another thing for little ones who love to explore is to change their toys out. Divide them up into a few boxes and rotate them in and out... she might be more interested in them. It sounds like you are going to have a daughter who loves life! Hang in there! Oh... and the consistency part can't be stated enough. If they get by with it once, they see it as fair game. Treasure these times, even when they are difficult, they pass way too quickly!

[sky wright]

Thats a good Idea about dividing the toys up. I will give that a try. thank you

[Don S.]

Being consistant and stalwart pays off HUGE in later years. With autism it's a little different, the first thing I was ever told by a autism specialist was how to do a proper restraining hold. Tantrums used to go on for over an hour sometimes but they aways ended as a loving hug. To get my kids to go to sleep when I told them to I would stand outside their doors and bust in on them as soon as i heard so much as a peep or a rustle, I'd stand out there again for over an hour each night. Now they go right to sleep at 9pm every night for me. Not for mom though, she never followed through. Same with playgrounds and parking lots as Scott said. Hold those hands, if they whine that it hurts "Kid, when that car hits you it's gonna hurt a whole lot worse." All kids thrive on structure and consistancy. There are tools used in Applied Behavioral Analysys (ABA) therapy for autistic kids that all parents should use with their kids. Floor play, and turn taking is huge, so are visual calanders and schedules, they are called PECs and they are just pictures, visual ques of simple things and you make a schedule out of them. It gives the child autonomy, they visualize what is going to happen. Most tantrums happen because of anxiety from transistions, even the MINE!!! thing is a transistion issue. It's here now, I like it, if I lose sight of it... IT's GONE FOREVER!!! Visual cues help a childs expectations, and follow thru solidifies their concept of trust and ability to cope with transistions.

Your milage may very

[uomeasmile (Kim)]

Don, I am a huge fan of visual calendars with my kids. I let them cut out magazine pictures to come up with our family schedule. Camille cut out a clock for wake up time, and then food for breakfast, etc. It really gets them involved with making the rules... and they are excited about it! I will read more on ABA, like you said, all parents can probably use it.