Child support, visitation and all that jazz.

[Kristina]

My ex and I are going through the divorce paperwork and I'm looking for some "been there, done that" advice. The money stuff... we agreed on an amount of support about 6 months ago based on the child support calculator that the courts use. Then I got a better job, but my childcare costs increased too, so I reran it while doing our divorce paperwork and it had actually gone up. I know my ex is strapped and I'm not trying to screw him over, but I want to stick with what the calculator says because there is no negotiation, no arguing, no questioning what I'm spending, etc. I'm struggling too, total paycheck to paycheck, but I still put a nice amount of that money into a savings account in my daughter's name to be used for emergencies and braces and all that stuff that sneaks up on a parent. As it is now, I pay for absolutely everything except the food she eats when she is at his house 1 overnight a weekend and diapers for his house. Any advice on coming up with an amount that is fair to both of us without subjecting our spending habits or lifestyle choices to scrutiny by the other party?

And the parenting time stuff... my daughter is with me most of the time. Her Dad visits 1 evening a week for about 2 hours and she goes to his house Saturday night and Sunday (a total of about 24 hours). She turned 3 in January. I'm wondering if switching to an every other weekend would be better for her because she wouldn't be swapping back and forth quite so much. What does everyone else do? She seems pretty well adjusted, I'm just concerned about the future.

[Brennan]

This is fascinating to me because it goes to the heart of some very difficult discussions over money, taking responsibility and so on.

In Oregon, the child support calculator provides the presumptive support amount. In other words, this isn't an argument you need to face, rather its what the court demands. It isn't a parental choice. In my case, for example, even with split custody (I have slightly more), she owes me money. I've elected to waive it, but it means I have to explain to a judge why I don't need it.

If he doesn't like the amount generated, there's an easy solution. He can take her more. Either he pays the costs to you, or he pays the costs directly.

[Heather Mac]

Absolutely, if you have a shred of doubt, go through the DA's office to collect your child support. This way it is all on the record and you don't have to chase him down if he gets behind. It takes "you" out of it. You don't ever have to be the bad guy. Call them at 503-655-8469 (Clackamas County) to get an application.

In my case, I agreed to a VERY small amount ($200 per month) with the understanding that in 2 years (when he is done with grad school) we will re-negotiate. I still go through the DA's office because he and I have had BIG disagreements about money. He has gone into arrears with support - meaning he isn't paying. But it's not an issue between us because the state keeps track. He and I can just talk about what Kate needs with out me nagging him all the time. I know it's accruing with interest!

If the state is involved and there are arrears owed, they can withhold tax refunds and won't issue or renew a passport. Also, after about $10,000, I understand they start pulling any licenses he has, professional or driver's too.

As for parenting time, our daughter was 2.5 when we split and is 5 now. She is a real mama's girl and she stays at dad's Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from about 2pm - 7:30pm with about 2 or 3 overnights per month. I would like more "time off" for me, but she isn't fond of overnights away from me so for now this is what we do. We thought we would be up to a more 50/50 schedule by now, but we are no where near it. We will keep working on it.

I think when they are young it's better to see dad more often for shorter hours cause 2 weeks would seem like a LONG time to her! But do what works and be flexible! Try some things now before it's time to get it on paper. But very few SP I know use the schedule that is in the divorce decree. It' so much more fluid than a paper can determine. GOOD LUCK! Sorry for the long reply!

[Kristina]

Thanks for all the feedback. My ex and I have a pretty good relationship, all things considered, which may make it tougher in this case. I know that the amount of support the calculator is coming up with will really stretch him to the max and maybe beyond and I feel bad about that. But I also think about last week when I drove to work on a wing and prayer because I had no money to put gas in the car and am desperately trying to stay away from the credit card so I don't get in over my head.

I don't think I'll go through the DA yet, but I want it in the court docs that it will be automatically transferred to my bank account and if it becomes an issue, then I will exhaust all means to get it. I wish we both made more money so it wouldn't be quite such a big issue. I suppose it is the same for everyone, no matter what income level.

I think visitation will stay the way it is. During the week is tough because he plays softball one night a week, so that's out, and he doesn't usually get home from work until at least 6 and Nicki goes to bed at 8. When he does see her, its at my house and he puts her to bed. You're right, Heather, that 2 weeks would be an eternity to her.

It's so nice to have others to hash this stuff over with.

[Jason D.]

Going through the courthouse facilitator you will get a less accurate number becuase that calculator does not take into account time spent with each parent. I dont think this has changed recently but could have. The law firm I had a consultation with did use a calculator that factored in time spent so I started with that number. The facilitator is not allowed to give you council I quess you would call it. But I asked if I was volunteering to pay to much and got an honest answer, and modified the numbers from there. $20 per 30 min visit to the facilitator in Washington State.
I have my kids 4 nights the 1st and 3rd week of the month, and 3 nights the 2nd and 4th week of the month. I pay medical/dental plus $500/month, we have 3 kids. My numbers arent a very good example, but I got what I wanted, my kids often :) Good luck!

[Amy]

I think it is important to have the courts involved at least with the collection, like someone else said, it takes the "you" out of it. And whether you get advice from a lawyer or the Child Support Division or use the calculator, once it is done, the state keeps track. It just leaves you and the father open to talk about other things regarding your child rather than fighting about money and dealing with the resentment that can build.

[Chanel]

I am also going through the divorce papers and now starting our 50/50 parenting schedule that we created. I would definetly use the calculator as the courts want to make sure that your daughter is fully covered. Its in her best interest to follow the courts demands and you will thank your lucky stars that you did this too!

If you ever want to chat, you can call me. Its hard when you do the paperwork and sometimes you just need to vent. 503-997-9164! Don't be shy! LOL